FALLEN ANGEL

Words by Carmen Vidal
Photography by Carol Antezana

I lost myself in you with the promise of forever. You see, my love—us light beings only seek a little bit of permanence.

We live our lives floating in the ether, blessing the lives of those who come into our paths—filling them with love, joy, and hope. We bring back life into souls that lost their way, and give homes to those who feel alone.

And once our job is done, we move along. We continue blessing the world. Taking nothing with us but the the satisfaction we brought joy into people’s lives—and gratitude in people’s hearts. That gratitude reminds us that people, are worth saving.

In my blessed joy I floated into your life

I saw you—and I saw you hurting. I saw you—and I saw your kindness. I saw you—and knew you were worth saving. I heard your cries for help. You told me, “I’m lonely.” So, like the light being that I am, I poured my light into you and reminded you that love is still within you. I showed you love, and how to cultivate it within yourself and in others. I showed you how love is in the care, inthe actions. I showed you so much love—and gave you much more that I had ever poured into anyone else before.

I showed you love—and you were confused. You told me, “How could all thisbe for me? I am not a light being. I don’t know what to do with it.” So I loved youmore. With all my light, just so you knew that this love was for yours.I told you, “Baby, I know this scary for you right now. But what I’m giving you islove.” You looked at me in awe and said, “Thank you, I have so muchto learn from you.”

I gave you so much love—and in doing so I fell in love with you. And yet youneeded more. You needed to see I was real. You said, “Baby, you don’t haveto be an angel no more. You are safe here with me.” So I forsook my light andgave it to you. I put down my crown—to show you I’m real. I melted my wings and became and earth being, just to show you that love—true love—cantranscend realms.

And for a moment, it was enough. It was all we both could ask for. We werebasking in this love. You showing me your world. It was then that I understoodthat anyone could lose their hope in this realm. I learned how painful it musthave been for you to live in this world without wings, without a crown. And thatmade me love even more.

We were happy and you promised it would be forever. I never wanted that before, all I ever had to be was a passing ray of light. I wondered if I had finallyI found the permanence us light beigns could only dreamed of. And for a while,your promise was enough.

But in the end—it wasn’t enough for me, and it was just too much for you.

I gave you all my love—and you left me empty, without the joy or the gratitude.I gave you everything—and you left me here in isolation, in this body I can’t recognize anymore. Without wings. Without a crown.. You left me with a soul depleted of its light, and in this darkness—I became a beast. A beast that couldn’t be satisfied, a beast that howled from the top of her lungs, in hopes that that it would make you notice me again. In hopes that you would want to give back some of the love I gave to you. Hoping you’d remember your promise of forever.But you looked at me, and said, “I can’t recognize you anymore”. In my desperation I gave you even more! Just to show you—it was still me in this beast body with this dark soul. It is me, The me you said you wanted. But you said, “This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I ever wanted from you.”

You said that—and walked away. And I’m just left here—a fallen angel who only wanted to show you love.